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I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Not all heroes wear capes….
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
