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“How stressed are you?”
Me:
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.