You Might Also Like
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
the simulation is moving too fast
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I was bored.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Best seat on the street 😍
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.