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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees