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The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back