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3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
this is the news I live for
*puts my mental health in rice
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go