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HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”