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Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game