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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.