🤣
You Might Also Like
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?