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I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Okay, I’m still confused…
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body馃槶. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
this makes me so uncomfortable
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
If it鈥檚 in a bowl and it鈥檚 before lunch time then technically it鈥檚 cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
When he asks for feet pics
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
wife: you鈥檙e drunk
me: I鈥檓 not the one who鈥檚 all blurry Carol