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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I鈥檓 surprised I have any cat left at all.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
蕩蓯q菨 uo p晒蓯oq蕩菨蕿 蓯 蕩nq 谋 菨莎谋蕠 蕠s蓯谉 菨丧蕠 s谋 s谋丧蕠
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father鈥檚 Day so apparently my days are numbered
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
i love meeting boys on tinder
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON鈥橳 HURT ME
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn鈥檛 look at the cards before!
Me: Well I鈥檓 convinced.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Welcome to Twitter. It鈥檚 like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it鈥檚 the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I don鈥檛 know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.