🤣could you imagine
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Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
“FOUND ‘EM!”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes