Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.