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please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Baller is short for ballerina
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Yes my dude
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
podcasts
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Just a bush.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it