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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Boom, boom, ching!
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.