π€¦π»ββοΈππ
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Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
According to the conductor, the train Iβm currently on is going backwards to the previous station to βget a running startβ up a hill, which feels like an idea Iβd have if I was in charge of a train.
I havenβt filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still donβt think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
i wish there was a way to online shoplift π
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
gf: iβm leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
toast canβt talk how do you know itβs french
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Playing βchefβ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said βthe beer is always free here,β in case youβre looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If you made me mad in the 90s, Iβd pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
The photographer’s assistant
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.