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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
🤣✨#caturday
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!