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a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Pringles
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Same post same
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.