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Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Friend: I don鈥檛 have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: I鈥檓 having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You鈥檙e making a lot of sense right now.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
All I鈥檓 saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I鈥檓 going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.