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I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
found this cool rock hiking today
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
weird email i got today
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
The most accurate map ever devised.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.