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The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain