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Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
you could not pay me to delete this app
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.