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They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My Plans 2020
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If you don鈥檛 get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don鈥檛 get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it鈥檚 when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let鈥檚 watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Bring back the McRib
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you鈥檙e taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you鈥檒l need to submit an online ticket
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.