Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.