馃く馃く馃く
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It was worth a shot 馃槀
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Mornin
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we鈥檇 call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let鈥檚 just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Every time I think I鈥檝e got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn鈥檛 it obvious?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you鈥檙e sitting there texting your ex again
me: you can鈥檛 take a joke
joke thief: what
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send