🤯🤯🤯
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My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.