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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Bobby pin
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.