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Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!