🤷♀️
You Might Also Like
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above