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I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Become ungovernable.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most