🥲
You Might Also Like
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Merry Christmas
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.