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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
A flock of dads is called a grill.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.