🥲
You Might Also Like
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.