🥲
You Might Also Like
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
😎 🍻
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Safety first
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race