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Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.