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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.