🥴😂
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I’m not proud
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
