🥴😂
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint