🥴😂
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What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
thank god the sign was there
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.