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Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
How to find Kentucky on a map
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.