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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?