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My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Isn’t
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.