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made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
mood
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
Beware of fowl play.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Lassie, get help!
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.