Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

ㅤ

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*