Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

Just organising my finances.

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂