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My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Love this one 😂🧟
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
PLEASE READ
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!