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me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Silly you… one can鈥檛 throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
time machine? you mean a clock?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
hey boy 馃槈 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you鈥檙e saying.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife