Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

just make the entire table out of coaster

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it