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interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds