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The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*