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Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?