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COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.