Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs