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3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke