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Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
This is my emotional support knife.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
mmm onion ringos
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word