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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.