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When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”