Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.