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If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
When your man makes a valid point
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf