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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
When can I start eating bats again.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???