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WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Iâve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i canât stand ice skating
me: youâll be able to with practice
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Youâre the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didnât seal the deal.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that heâs never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
and thatâs why Iâm fatđ€
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when thereâs nothing to eat.
My brain is a bad influence on me
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesnât feature a group hug with everyone singing âKumbaya,â then I donât know what Iâm talking about.
Itâs really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
For anyone who needs this today
âReal men like a woman with curvesâ â Fat Chicks
Calm down penguins. Youâre just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovahâs Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehovaâs Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Please vote for people who are attractive
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. Theyâre crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, youâre terrified.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when iâm at work: where are u