Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

FRED: right

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

😭

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.