003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
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It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it