Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.