Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security