Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.