Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille