“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
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“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
SONOFA
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Basically, any European coat of arms:
