1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Thursday Thought.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair