1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
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*pokes sex life with a stick
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.