1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
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you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.