Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

the best thing i’ve ever made

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.