Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

we did it you guys we saved daylight

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.