Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Spider-cat: No One Home