1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
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Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.